11.30.15 Ahhhhh

my void has been filled. my heart feels whole again. i am again a whole person.

Master is back. We are back to our normal and the relief i feel can't be explained. i was worried about some things that happened while He was gone, but all is good and where it should be. i am back to me and where i need to be and where i always will be. ALWAYS WILL BE. Nothing, nor anyone, will ever change that. i need Him. Like NEED Him. Can't, nor do i want, to be without Him ever. Just can't be. my heart, my soul, my mind, my body....all belong to just Him. i know that no matter what the future holds He will always control it. i will always be owned by Him. The realization of that settles me. Gives me peace and makes me happy. my dedication to Him is unlimited.

11.29.15 Now i'm nervous and scared

Tomorrow is Monday and i SO need Monday, but now i'm scared as hell and nervous.

i'm worried about what Master will say to me and nervous He won't want me anymore. my security level has completely dropped.

i need Him and i hope He is not upset with me. i've been wondering what He is thinking about and it eats at me. my bff said He won't release me because He said He never will, but it still crosses my mind. i'm scared.....................my brain has completely taken control of bad thoughts.

Please let tomorrow be okay................

11.28.15 Tick tock

Waiting for Monday to come. This weekend sucks. i am trying to calm myself right now and not blow up about how much i miss Him and how empty i feel. He holds my happiness. Without Him, i don't have it. Just a little glimpse of an email that He sent me this morning brought tears to my eyes. The huge ball of tears in my throat is threatening to come out. i've swallowed it a lot, but it keeps rearing it's ugly head.

i know its the weekend and i understand and all that, doesn't mean it makes it any easier.

i've gotten myself into an overthinking situation again. i can't discuss it yet, but i will after i speak with Master. Grrrrrr.............

Is it Monday yet?

11.27.15 Tired

i got nothing to say because all that is on my mind is Him.

i'm exhausted. Was up way late last night and had more than a few drinks.

my Dom friend came over to keep me company in the evening. Stayed a real long time. We are becoming very close friends. Its comforting, but also concerning. i don't want to allow myself to become to emotionally involved because my dedication is to Master. i know he understands that because we talked about it. He knows that any relationship that i have with him is under the control of Master. i think that as long as we are all on the same page everything will be fine. It's the emotional part of me that is a tad concerned because of the "demi-sexual" thing. i have no doubt Master will settle me.

11.26.15 How do you learn to love yourself

Today has been one of the hardest days i've ever had. Being alone on Thanksgiving. A family holiday. It's been hard. Friends have text me and i greatly appreciate that. i'm grateful. i'm grateful for them and i'm grateful for Him.

It's hard being alone. i've read many statements that say you must love yourself. i'm still trying to figure out how to do that. Do you love yourself by physical features? Your attributes? What? How? If you know, please share.

Do you love yourself once you are happy? Do you keep doing things that make you happy so you love yourself? It's all very confusing.

So i guess because today is the day of being thankful, i suppose i should list things i am thankful for, right?

i am thankful for Master.
i am thankful for being owned.
i am thankful for my tasks.
i am thankful for my collar.
i am thankful for my friends. My true friends, not the fake ones.
i am thankful for my child.
i am thankful for my parents help.
i am thankful that i can cook really good when i want to.
i am thankful that my grandmother is still alive so that my child will always remember what a great woman she is.
i am thankful that i have this blog.
i am thankful for the community that we are in and that i am still learning.

i need Monday. i do miss Him terribly and i am most likely feeling so down because its a holiday. The next one will be better as i will be with family.

11.25.15 Horrible day

Haven't felt this low in a long time.

i know a good part of it is because Master and i had absolutely no contact whatsoever today. i can't explain the feeling of loss i feel when He isn't around. Its excruciating. Do all subs feel this?

i know He would have contacted me if He could, which makes me worry more and hope that He and the  people that are around Him are ok.

i am a worrier and, of course, a humongous over thinker. You can't imagine what goes through this mind of mine.

The other part of it is because i am feeling alone, again.

11.24.15 Few topics today

i made a few new friends today. One on Lit and one on Fet. The one on Lit said that he's been reading my blog! The mystery has been answered - lol! i always like to know who is reading it. No one ever comments so i never know. i'm always curious. The friend on Fet is different to any other friend i've had and i have a ton of questions. He's very open to his lifestyle and its invigorating.

i've had some things on my mind the last few days. An ex bf, who said that he will delete my number, has been texting me again. We have quite a history. One that Master knows all about. Just his texting stresses me out. i struggle back and forth with if it's a good idea or not to have him in my life. i can think of no goods. i will leave this decision in Masters hands.

i know that i am wallowing in self pity about being alone on Thanksgiving, but don't you think it's a bit sad? i'm feeling overly dramatic. Very "oh poor me" sorta thing. My being alone is being magnified. Well my being alone is being magnified by my over thinking.

Still stressing over money. Whole other topic. Holidays are coming and all that. Yay - Not!

i don't know what else. i'm sure more.............................