11.30.15 Ahhhhh

my void has been filled. my heart feels whole again. i am again a whole person.

Master is back. We are back to our normal and the relief i feel can't be explained. i was worried about some things that happened while He was gone, but all is good and where it should be. i am back to me and where i need to be and where i always will be. ALWAYS WILL BE. Nothing, nor anyone, will ever change that. i need Him. Like NEED Him. Can't, nor do i want, to be without Him ever. Just can't be. my heart, my soul, my mind, my body....all belong to just Him. i know that no matter what the future holds He will always control it. i will always be owned by Him. The realization of that settles me. Gives me peace and makes me happy. my dedication to Him is unlimited.

11.29.15 Now i'm nervous and scared

Tomorrow is Monday and i SO need Monday, but now i'm scared as hell and nervous.

i'm worried about what Master will say to me and nervous He won't want me anymore. my security level has completely dropped.

i need Him and i hope He is not upset with me. i've been wondering what He is thinking about and it eats at me. my bff said He won't release me because He said He never will, but it still crosses my mind. i'm scared.....................my brain has completely taken control of bad thoughts.

Please let tomorrow be okay................

11.28.15 Tick tock

Waiting for Monday to come. This weekend sucks. i am trying to calm myself right now and not blow up about how much i miss Him and how empty i feel. He holds my happiness. Without Him, i don't have it. Just a little glimpse of an email that He sent me this morning brought tears to my eyes. The huge ball of tears in my throat is threatening to come out. i've swallowed it a lot, but it keeps rearing it's ugly head.

i know its the weekend and i understand and all that, doesn't mean it makes it any easier.

i've gotten myself into an overthinking situation again. i can't discuss it yet, but i will after i speak with Master. Grrrrrr.............

Is it Monday yet?

11.27.15 Tired

i got nothing to say because all that is on my mind is Him.

i'm exhausted. Was up way late last night and had more than a few drinks.

my Dom friend came over to keep me company in the evening. Stayed a real long time. We are becoming very close friends. Its comforting, but also concerning. i don't want to allow myself to become to emotionally involved because my dedication is to Master. i know he understands that because we talked about it. He knows that any relationship that i have with him is under the control of Master. i think that as long as we are all on the same page everything will be fine. It's the emotional part of me that is a tad concerned because of the "demi-sexual" thing. i have no doubt Master will settle me.

11.26.15 How do you learn to love yourself

Today has been one of the hardest days i've ever had. Being alone on Thanksgiving. A family holiday. It's been hard. Friends have text me and i greatly appreciate that. i'm grateful. i'm grateful for them and i'm grateful for Him.

It's hard being alone. i've read many statements that say you must love yourself. i'm still trying to figure out how to do that. Do you love yourself by physical features? Your attributes? What? How? If you know, please share.

Do you love yourself once you are happy? Do you keep doing things that make you happy so you love yourself? It's all very confusing.

So i guess because today is the day of being thankful, i suppose i should list things i am thankful for, right?

i am thankful for Master.
i am thankful for being owned.
i am thankful for my tasks.
i am thankful for my collar.
i am thankful for my friends. My true friends, not the fake ones.
i am thankful for my child.
i am thankful for my parents help.
i am thankful that i can cook really good when i want to.
i am thankful that my grandmother is still alive so that my child will always remember what a great woman she is.
i am thankful that i have this blog.
i am thankful for the community that we are in and that i am still learning.

i need Monday. i do miss Him terribly and i am most likely feeling so down because its a holiday. The next one will be better as i will be with family.

11.25.15 Horrible day

Haven't felt this low in a long time.

i know a good part of it is because Master and i had absolutely no contact whatsoever today. i can't explain the feeling of loss i feel when He isn't around. Its excruciating. Do all subs feel this?

i know He would have contacted me if He could, which makes me worry more and hope that He and the  people that are around Him are ok.

i am a worrier and, of course, a humongous over thinker. You can't imagine what goes through this mind of mine.

The other part of it is because i am feeling alone, again.

11.24.15 Few topics today

i made a few new friends today. One on Lit and one on Fet. The one on Lit said that he's been reading my blog! The mystery has been answered - lol! i always like to know who is reading it. No one ever comments so i never know. i'm always curious. The friend on Fet is different to any other friend i've had and i have a ton of questions. He's very open to his lifestyle and its invigorating.

i've had some things on my mind the last few days. An ex bf, who said that he will delete my number, has been texting me again. We have quite a history. One that Master knows all about. Just his texting stresses me out. i struggle back and forth with if it's a good idea or not to have him in my life. i can think of no goods. i will leave this decision in Masters hands.

i know that i am wallowing in self pity about being alone on Thanksgiving, but don't you think it's a bit sad? i'm feeling overly dramatic. Very "oh poor me" sorta thing. My being alone is being magnified. Well my being alone is being magnified by my over thinking.

Still stressing over money. Whole other topic. Holidays are coming and all that. Yay - Not!

i don't know what else. i'm sure more.............................

11.23.15 Finally able to cum

i think it's been about 2 weeks since i came. i was supposed to cum 3 times last weekend, but couldn't. i am back to needing Master to do that. i cannot cum unless He is around.

As always He brings me to an amazing place. Granted i beg like no ones business but He never gives in to it. He only allows me to cum when He is ready.

He knows when i need it too.

i've been starting to feel real down again. i needed something physical that only He can give me.

What am i grateful for this week? Him.

11.22.15 Another slow day

To be honest, i haven't had a weekend off in, well, i can't remember when.

Other than to do some fundraising i did absolutely nothing today. Zip. Kinda like yesterday.

A bunch of people that give me stress texted me this morning, but i will talk to Master about that tomorrow. Nothing to worry about though. He just needs to be aware.

Oh, and the most hysterical message i got on Fet the other day. What a laugh i had with my BFF. What a riot. i just wish she was feeling better to enjoy in my laughter. i'm really worried about her and i'm not sure how to help her. i'm feeling completely hopeless. i mean i know there is nothing i can do from here, but still.....................there must be something.

Also, this week is Thanksgiving. i am spending it completely alone. To be honest, part of me is looking forward to it and another part of me wants to wallow in self pity. Perhaps i will do both. Maybe the day will be nice and i can take the neighbors dog for a walk, spend some time in a bubble bath and have some cocktails (approved of course).

Looking forward to tomorrow. i love me a Monday!

11.21.15 i got zip

Literally.

i don't have really anything to say about this day. Was feeling a bit lonely, but it all worked out in the end. Looking forward to Monday, as always.

Just a typical Saturday.

11.20.15 Had a date, but....

....it was with a woman.

Didn't make me any less nervous though. Well maybe a little.

It went very well. She is pretty and has a really great personality. i can just tell she is a good person and i am looking forward to getting to know her more. She seems like a lot of fun!!!! i'm looking forward to seeing her again.

We have a lot in common (even the same work schedule) and she gets lonely too, so it will be nice to be able to call someone up and perhaps get together on a whim. She actually has been to munches and asked me to go. i have to be honest and say that i'm a little apprehensive. i'm not sure i want to. Master said He and i will discuss it and see. He may force me to go to one and then if i don't like it just end it there. She had a lot of questions about my LDR and i really enjoyed being able to share it with her. i didn't have to hide who i am. i really like that. It pleases me to know that people know that i am owned.

Other then the date, i am being punished for several things this weekend that i did last weekend and last night. The punishment is not bad at all because of the great week i had. When Master says to me he is proud of me, He really is, because i don't hear it often, and i heard it twice this week!!!!!

And yes its Friday and we all know how i feel about a Friday....

11.19.15 Stuck up for myself.....Dam

i still hadn't told this guy i went out with the other night that i didn't want to see him again. i knew it was coming sometime this week. i've just been waiting and have been anxious waiting for his text message. It finally came today.

Here's what happened. He text me saying he was disappointed that i "flaked" on him and i immediately (without confronting Master) replied to him that i was not interested in him and wished him well.

SHOCK. HOLY CRAP DID i JUST DO THAT?

i simply do not understand where this random act of courage came from. Amazing. i never do anything like this. i just ignore any issue because i don't like the confrontation or disappointment in others. Then i wait until Master forces me to do something or He has to get involved. But the very second i sent the message i felt completely free and relieved. i told Master what i did and He told me He was very proud of me. He said i deserved a reward! Can you imagine????? That's only happened one other time. i'm very happy today!

Master told me that He wants me to be more like this, what i did today. Perhaps its because He cannot be around me all of the time and needs to be sure i can handle things on my own when He isn't? i have to be honest, i like His protection best. Not mine. But i will see what i can do in the future knowing and remembering what i did today.

On top of that Master also told me that He was proud of me earlier this morning because He gave me an order and i performed it immediately. It was a very difficult order because it had to do with my ex. He knows how hard His order was for me and i did it without word or complaint.

Today, for sure, has been a good day.

i just want to end with, i think (as of this very moment) that whatever crosses my way i will have the strength to tell anyone (even another Dom) that i am owned, and nothing, not even them, can take me away from Him. i'm feeling very proud of my courage today.

11.18.15 Boring day

Didn't discuss much with Master, not much going on today.

i was feeling kinda needy today though. Not like attention needy, just some other kind of needy. i think its because i'm so tired, i just want to get naked and lay next to Him. i can't wipe my tired away. i wonder why.

i'm still feeling happy and settled with where i am and who i am and all that........Perhaps Master needed me to get this "dating" thing out of my system and that's why He allowed it. i don't doubt that it will happen sometime again, but for different reasons.

.................i want to see Him again soon....................

1.17.15 Demisexual

Still learning tons about it and finding others that are demisexual too. i hope perhaps i can friend someone in the group. It doesn't look like there is much posted of late. i'll keep at it and research. i like learning more about who i am. Funny i never knew there was such a thing.......

You know what i really like is that, not that He didn't understand it before or believe it, but it sorta proves that no one else can have me but Him. i enjoyed mentioning to Him how dedicated i am. It helped me prove to Him that He owns all of me. i love that. Someday's i can't stress enough how much He does own me, so to show Him that little tad bit of information made me happy.

11.16.15 Today i am feeling settled

After realizing and reading about what a demisexual is, i am feeling very settled with who i am. It's me and it makes tons of sense. Its an enlightenment really and explains tons. I am totally NOT asexual though. That's the part i can't settle with.......

i am also settled with the fact that i will no longer be "dating". i can't now. It doesn't sit right with me and the demisexual part again makes me see that. Again, like i said prior, i am committed to Him and there is nothing else that makes me happier. It's just where i belong. There may be need for a filler here and there, but i believe Master will take care of that as the time comes.

i also realized something else that settled me today.

my Dom friend and i went hiking today, (Master approved of course). Fantastic time - btw. While hiking i came across something amazing. Something that i haven't seen in years. Since i was a child. It brought back so many memories.

Every Christmas season, my family and i would gather at my aunt and uncles estate and go hiking to gather this greenery called Princess Pine. It was a ton of us and we would go in the woods and pick so much of it. We'd use it to decorate our houses. It was a great time. Great laughs, great food, great company.

Normally remembering something so happy would immediately bring me down because i'd remember the happy past and the not so happy now. But my end result of the memory was better than what i normally thought. Instead of being depressed about the past and where i am now, i thought how lucky i was to have that memory. Quite a huge change for me. A huge change in how i would normally think.

i believe knowing that where i belong and that i am happy where i am with Master makes all the difference. i'm no longer struggling with being alone. i'm good with it and where i am. i'm okay today. i'm settled.

Today was a good day........................

BTW, just in case you do come across some Princess Pine.....it's endangered. Don't pick it.

11.15.15 i just wanna..

..be done with trying to find a temporary relationship and just be with Master. Just be in this LDR and not date and not worry about finding someone. If Master wants me to go out or date or whatever i will from now on wait for Him to tell me. i'm done. i had a nice vanilla date, but weird.

Being around this man that i've gone out with twice has been interesting. He is an interesting person for sure. Personally i think that his words are making up for some sort of insecurity he walks around with. He does a lot of bragging and a lot of trying to convince himself of a person who he thinks he is. He actually may have a lot of money, which is fantastic for him, but i think he uses it against people. Or maybe he just uses it to get people to like him? i don't know. Either way, i'm out, done, finished, cannot be bothered anymore. This man is so feminine and then stated to be a Dom i almost laughed in front of him. Please know in now way am i saying that he can't be a Dom, but he just cannot be that only! Perhaps a switch or just pretending to be a Dom. He stated he didn't like to label himself. Hmmmmmm. He told me that i am 100% sub. Well, gee thanks ;)! i was unaware........................NOT.

To be honest the whole thing scares me anyway. This going out bit. Like i said before, i'm safe where i am now. i like it here.

my bff brought something to my attention today. She thinks i might be demisexual, to a degree. i have to be honest. i agree. Although i am not asexual, parts of a demisexual are 100% me. Thanks bff for helping me to find myself more. To understand more. oxoxo.

http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Demisexual

i've joined the Fet group and see where it goes there, and maybe get some support and perhaps understand or try and change in case i need to for the future. Honestly, no wonder i'm having a hard time just having sex with someone other than Master. Makes total sense now. Emotionally i am so connected to Him, it's literally impossible for me to have sex with someone else. i totally get that now. No wonder i walk around with such guilt and with such depression and stress. It just shows me how much i am, again, so very committed to Him. He truly, really, 100% does have every single bit of me. And i wouldn't change a thing for anything in the world!

Thank God tomorrow is Monday! i need our normal back.

11.14.15 50 Shades

Did that book/movie make everyone think they were part of that lifestyle after that came out? One little experience does not make one a Dom or a submissive. Or are people just full of shit with their experiences? Also is my reading of someone true or am i full of shit?

How can my reading of someone i feel is on the feminine side be a Dom? Is that even possible?

Again, all i want to do is pack up my crap and move.................thats it, thats all.

11.13.15 Shell

i feel like going further into it. Doing new things with people this weekend and it just makes me want to cancel and stay home and hide under my blanket. i'm scared to trust, i'm scared to try. i just want to run to the people i trust. Where i'm comfortable. Just stay there. Never leave.

What have i learned about myself being alone? i'm a creature of habit. i don't like creating new relationships with people i am uncertain of, people who could become a threat and i am scared. i'm uncomfortable. i don't know who to be. Don't say be myself because i don't know who that is. All i know is who i am with the man that owns me. Master. That is who i am most comfortable and happy with as me.

When i am unaware of the unknown i need my shell. When i shut down i need my shell. i like my routine that Master gives me. Something that i am comfortable with. It's something that gives me comfort. So Friday comes around and Saturday and Sunday.....and well i hate the weekend............

11.12.15 The weather.......

......is affecting my body.

Last week i irritated my sciatic again and cannot work out, which is an issue of itself, but today my knees are in so much pain i can't sit still or get comfortable. Master has given me pills, but nothing is working. i'm very irritable and want to remove myself from my office as soon as i possibly can. It's so bad i want to rip my knees off and trample them (yea i know....weird). i want today to be over in the worst way.

i told someone off on Fet today. A person who was portraying himself as a "dom". It was another who though his "massive" cock pictures would send me into a frenzy of dropping The One who owns me and throwing myself at him because of his "wonderful" pictures. Puke! Ew! Gross! How very arrogant of him.

Master told me He wants me to stick up for myself more often instead of allowing others to walk all over me. Without Masters direction i would have not told that "dom" off and went about being polite. This may be a long training for me. Its hard for me to change how i think.

Off to pace......

11.11.15 Relationships

Yesterday i spoke about having sex with someone and my mental connection and losing Master. What He's said to me today has helped tremendously.

"If you don't want the connection lost it won't be." ".....you can be connected to more than one person in different ways."

Master also said i shouldn't be worried.

"This relationship we have will also be evolving...But you are never going to loose me."

i cannot tell you how relieving it is to hear those words. i could cry. i am so lucky to be in such good hands. i am way beyond grateful for Him.

It's been a year now that i've been in His care and i do look forward to many many more...until the time that i am looking at something when He moves under the sheets in a certain place.......... hee hee.

i feel better about the future and any relationship that i may come across. i'm glad for the relationship that Master and i have. i'm feeling very relieved today.

11.10.15 About me and sex

i've figured something out. i already knew, but maybe just haven't  spoken about it.

i know the real reason why i was so stressed out over the dating thing. Once these men want to sleep with me i panic. i can't sleep with them. Once i sleep with someone, i'm connected. i can't sleep with anyone else.

Even though Master and i have not physically had sex i am 100% connected to Him. We have been physical. i never want that to be broken.

i'm scared if i do have sex with someone else, i will break that and i can't. i really really can't. It would break me.

i am not sure if Master orders me to have sex with someone i could do it. Perhaps the only way that could happen is if i was blindfolded, and not know who was using me? There are days when i need it really bad, but Master has been taking care of that so i've been better.

i'm not sure what else to say on the subject, other than i felt like i should talk about it. Maybe it was on my mind because Master and i have talked about the future and how He will never release me. i can't tell you how much that makes me happy. i am secure with Him and happy and home, and knowing i always will be well..........i'm settled.

i've had a few conversations with doms these last few days and i know they can see how committed i am to Him. i hope for them some day they can experience the same.

11.9.15 Catch Up

i had to ask if Master could please move our night from Saturday to Friday. Personal reasons i won't go into. He called me earlier than expected. i was happy, but just not as prepared as i would have liked to be. i wore something that He purchased for me. Again, He made me cum so strong. i even remember Him asking me if i was okay. He just does that to me. my body becomes so very tense. The feeling is amazing. Something that no one has ever made me feel before. i feel very fulfilled when He takes me there. i always look forward to the next time. i'm very greedy for Him. He makes me wait though. He is very patient, where i am not.

He's taught me some patience and that everything happens for a reason. Some days when i am running late or i drop something and have to clean it up, i take a deep breath and remember Him. i dropped something for a reason. Be patient, clean it up, and move on. Maybe the reason is to learn patience????? Either way, it has worked for some things. The things that i can't control is more of a huge issue. Like dealing with "people".

The weekend was good because He was available all weekend. Huge help, especially this weekend with some emotional family things i had going on. i was so grateful He was around. Between Him and my friends standing by me, it made things so much easier. Granted my immediate reaction was to fly off the handle, but with His words and my deep breathing i was able to walk through the issue without any blow up on my part.

Anyway, i feel good. Things are status quo, no issues, which is fantastic. Just dealing with usual every day issues like money, etc. So deep breath again........................all is good. No matter what He is with me and everything will get worked out in the end.

11.5.15 Emotions and actions

i had an appointment with my therapist tonight. We went over some of the things that have happened since i've seen her last. She said my reactions are human but also tells me they are wrong. Granted i'm allowed to have them, but how i react to what happens around me isn't always the right thing to do.

i'm sure Master is shaking His head in agreement right now. i know i know....think before i react. i know i've not done that and i seriously need to make a conscious effort to do it. See how the weekend goes. Wish me luck. Might be a hard one. Human behavior sucks! Yea, mine too. Someone hurts me so i want to hurt them for my pain. i want to control what i cannot because i'm hurt. i acknowledge it and i know its dumb but i do it anyway. i feel if i don't react then i will be walked on and seem weak. Is that true?

11.4.15 Week of edging.....

Kinda pisses me off. Other than making me very irritable sexually, it also makes me irritable emotionally. Maybe that's why i really didn't care that much that the person apparently "so close to me" confirmed to be an ass. i was just thinking in my head....eff it! Master thought that was the right attitude in this case. Ha.

It was very hard for me to edge tonight. It's getting harder as the week goes on. Why is this? Am i getting to used to the vibrator? There used to be a name for that and i forget what it is. Maybe i'll Google it tomorrow. i can't wait until Saturday!!!! I'm so on "edge" with everything. God help my parents when they come into town and God help my ex too - bwahahahaha! It'll so be worth it though. Even better because Master will be there.

Something bothered me a bit today. A friend of my Bff was released by her Master. He told her that His vanilla life was too busy to have her in it anymore. How devastating. i would completely go into a frenzy. But i don't nor do i want to think about it. Master said He will never release me and i believe Him. Not that He needed to, but He put my mind at ease when He said that. i do truly feel horrible for this sub though. i wish there was something i could do. i hope there is a support group and/or people she can reach out to. my heart goes out to her.

11.3.15 The week

Rough week. i knew the edging would not help my situation but i didn't expect a bunch of other issues to pop up. 

Master had me wear my punishment bra to work today and i think that helped a bit. Maybe i am also settled in my head that i have had enough with certain people and am ready to erase them from my life and move on. 

i don't know. Yuck day with out Him. Missed Him but it could not be avoided. 

11.2.15 Being punished tomorrow

The weekend sucked in more ways than one! Master says that i am over emotional. i need to stop, breath, and think before i react. Something we are going to work on. Tomorrow i have to wear my punishment bra to work. i will have some emotions that i will be dealing with when i arrive. The bra is to remind me to think before i react and to keep my emotions in check. i hate that i'm such a pussy and can't just stick up for myself and tell people to *UCK OFF! My Bff's Master i believe suggests that as well, if my memory serves me right. For some reason i have no problem telling my ex husband to do that though???????? He was told that plenty of times today. In my head and otherwise.

So after feeling better last week, and feeling so beyond low over the weekend, i feared i would spiral back down starting this week. Granted today was not the best day, as Master says "Today was just a bad day, not a bad life", and i really should have remembered that earlier today, not now. But anyway, i will get through everything because i have the best support person. i know He will be with me and direct me no matter what and knowing that helps tremendously. Also knowing i have my Bff and my friend the Dom helps crazy fantastic as well. i'll get through this as i have everything else and things will settle and all will be good.

i've asked this question twice today.....am i the one that causes the drama in my life or does it just follow me...............................